It has been an extremely strange few weeks. I got a call from my dad today and it put a lot of things into perspective. He asked how things were going and we talked about how I’ve been struggling with living in a place I can’t really afford. How I won’t be able to have my boys with me in my new apartment which has been ripping me apart. I mentioned that I was looking into an Air Force program that one of my coworkers brought up where you are able to get a Masters degree and work as a GS. I told him I didn’t think I’d be able to do a STEM program since my math/science skills are extremely poor and he said, “I think you are smart enough, but you always put yourself down. You always speak before you think about what you’re going to say and always underestimate yourself.”
I have always had low self esteem. I never thought I would make it as far as I have. Things have been difficult, or maybe I’ve made them that way for myself. It seemed that I always chose the wrong crowd to be with, being around people who dulled my shine and made me feel like I wasn’t special or smart. Dated men who treated me like I wasn’t worth a second of their time, “a waste of gas” one once told me. Married someone who told me I’d never find better than them and that I was worthless and unlovable.
It’s not to say that I had a poor upbringing. I had a less than normal relationship with my family. Always trying to prove myself, feeling like a disappointment. Maybe that is what being adopted does to someone. Or being raised in a town that is predominately white and not being able to fit in well. I always had so many big dreams and ambitions. I wanted to do good in this world and it seems like all of my efforts have been crushed. Was I put here to be a punching bag for the world?
Growing up it was a running joke that I would be the most successful, I wanted so much out of this life. I’ve tried so hard to do things right, but always end up doing them so so wrong. After my divorce my friends would joke that I was a good foster home for boys until they found their forever homes. So far it seems like I’ve been cursed with the luck of not being able to find true happiness. As much as I try to live in the moment and enjoy my life it seems like there is always something weighing me down.
There was a TikTok (@.christina.noel) I saw the other day that I related to unconditionally. I cried when I watched it. I shared it to every platform. They asked questions that I ask myself daily. They brought up topics that I’ve talked about in therapy that for some reason just haven’t clicked. Here they are: “I hate that I don’t hate my abusers”, “Why is keeping myself alive so fucking hard?”, “I hate that I don’t let people love me because I feel like being alone is better than being hurt”, “I want to believe people when they tell me they like me, but I just don’t”, “Why is so much wrong with me?”, “I feel like I haven’t gone through enough bad shit to be as fucked up as I am”, “I wish I could just love myself”.
Everyone has their own private battles. Some are worse than others. I tell myself and others all the time that it is important to feel your feelings, but what if I don’t want to? What if I feel so worthless that I don’t want to feel anything a lot of the time? Despite everything I’ve done and everything I’ve accomplished up to this point it feels like I’ve still failed. I know that I’m hard on myself, but I feel like if I don’t beat myself up for my shortcomings I won’t learn anything. It seems like I just keep making mistake after mistake. Despite having people in my life who tell me I’m doing well I just can’t really believe them.
How do you teach yourself to feel like you’re worth something? How do you unlearn things that have been drilled into your head and subconscious? I’ve tried self help books, writing to you all, traveling, using men for comfort and pleasure, therapy. Nothing ever seems to work out. It seems that I need almost constant validation from anyone to feel like I’m doing alright just for a few moments. I hate feeling this way. I don’t know how to shake it. I don’t want to be like this. Again begging the question, “what is wrong with me?”
No matter how much I tell myself I’m doing well or that everything is going to be ok, it’s hard to believe it when I look at myself in the mirror. I don’t feel like I am moving forward despite how it looks from the outside. Internally, I feel like I can’t do anything right. I know saying it over and over doesn’t help, but you can see where my mindset is. Insecurity crushes me every day. Maybe I just need a rhythm. Maybe coming here wasn’t the right choice. In a week I’ll get a little break and maybe that will help clear my head. Until then, we’re just going to have to deal with what we have. Thank you all for being with me and hopefully things will get better in time.
Oh, I hated everyone ’til you I swear
We’re just people made of broken pieces
I got secrets you got secrets in your eyes
Why does sad love always taste the sweetest?
We got reasons, we got reasons you and I
-Reasons by Mimi Webb