When you wish…

Remember when you cried over something menial like spilt milk and then starting your period the next day? That’s me except for a whole week. A bit on the dramatic end of things. Feeling desperate or lost. Not knowing what’s wrong with me. My self doubt on one thousand percent. It’s definitely a work in progress.

I was excited to see friends this weekend. There has been a lot on my plate and a lot to think about and work on. I have been trying not to hate myself every day and realize I’m not doing so bad considering the circumstances I came from. Everything is going the way it is because that’s how it is supposed to be going.

Trusting the process is not something I have ever been good at. I am extremely impatient and it becomes my downfall. I am impulsive and jump into things before really thinking about them. Lately, I have really been focusing on thinking about things and their consequences. Since I am trying very hard to break out of old patterns and bad habits.

It’s funny because I’ve never been more comfortable in the situationship I’m in than in any relationship I’ve ever had. I know my role and they know theirs and it’s working out well as far as I can tell. Not sure how I’ll deal with it if it ever comes to an end, but I’m trying not to look too far ahead into that.

I have been trying to avoid toxic people and blocking certain things out that I don’t want to see, especially on social media. I escaped my toxic home town. Not many people can say that. A lot of people I grew up with are still there and are continuing in the endless loop. I am proud of myself for getting out of there.

I have a long way to go. I have been trying for years to work through my trauma. I am terrified of being in a decent relationship because I somehow always manage to fuck it up or I accept someone who can’t be there one hundred percent because it’s easier for me to have an excuse to keep one foot out the door. Having someone who forces their way in makes me feel vulnerable and I tend to push those people until they get tired and leave.

Weird tangent to go on, but felt like it needed to be said. Really focusing on myself this year. Getting better in every aspect of my life. Maybe one day it won’t feel like I’m a huge burden or failure. Maybe one day it’ll be a little easier to wake up. Maybe one day it won’t feel like I have an enormous weight on my chest all the time.

Trying to get a video blog done soon. Not sure exactly when that is going to be since I am working from home and everything, but hopefully within the next couple weeks. You’ll get to read my lovely writing until then. Working on getting more positive content out there. Thanks for being backseat drivers with me. Y’all keep me going.

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