I deserve more.

It’s funny. When you say things and talk about them with other people, it makes so much sense. Things are easier said than done or however the saying goes. I know what makes me happy for the most part. I know that I’m going through life and I want so much more out of it. I sometimes feel like I manifest so much of the wrong things. The misery and pain I feel on a daily basis. The panic and anxiety I feel whenever I think about letting anything good into my life.

There are so many people in my life who don’t understand why I accept the way I have always been treated in my relationships. Who don’t understand why I can’t see how amazing I am or why I think so poorly of myself. They always tell me that I deserve the best and I deserve to be truly happy.

I had a conversation with a very good friend of mine this morning about how we always get the short end of the stick when we have so much love to give. We are diamonds in the rough, rarer than unicorns. The best kind of people to be with. The ones who give more than they receive always.

It got me thinking about my nature. The type of relationships I seek out. The way I’ve lived my life for the last twenty some years. I love love. I have always wanted the kind of relationships you only see on TV or in the movies. But then I got older. Lived through trauma and realized that life isn’t like the movies. You don’t get the happy ending you’ve always wanted. Sometimes all you can do is settle for the happiness you can get and enjoy it while it lasts, because it never does.

It begs the question. What do we deserve? What do I deserve? It seems like the kinds of people who have called to me are ones who can’t be or aren’t emotionally available to me. Ones who I want, but who don’t want me. Temporary bliss.

I know I probably deserve more. I know I’m young and I have time, yada yada. There are so many people who tell me these things. Friends and family. But when you’ve been through as much as I have in a short period of time you become emotionally numb. Tired. Thinking about opening up to someone new terrifies me. I’d rather be alone or in relationships I know don’t have any ending for me than think about the possibility of being hurt again.

A friend told me the other day that I can’t allow myself to love someone else when I’m already in love with someone. That when the right person comes along, I won’t know or be able to accept them or give them a chance because of what I’m in right now. They also told me that I deserve someone who makes me their number one priority and not an option. But to me I’ve never been someone’s priority so I wouldn’t even know what to do with that kind of attention.

I’ve always been the person to hold someone’s hand and walk them through the dark parts of their life. To help them through the tough times and bring them out to the light only for them to leave me and find their happily ever after. Leaving me to walk alone in the dark. Always. The fact that I’ve gotten through the worst parts of my life on my own has allowed me to effectively push people away and deal with my problems by myself.

It’s funny. After I got divorced I felt so much like damaged goods. That no one would want me anymore. That I wasn’t worthy of being loved again. So, when people started coming into my life and breaking down my walls it felt like a violation. I felt like I couldn’t open up. Share my trauma and pain because it would just be a burden on the other person.

For so long I lived like this. When I did open up to certain people and relationships they inevitably ended with me being the worse for it. Hurt and starting from scratch while the other parties moved on and seemed happier than ever. Only to come back at a later date and try to explain that they had made a mistake or that they wanted closure.

I know that I have a different kind of light. The kind that attracts the wrong kind of people. The kind that brings in the wounded and ones who see opportunity to take advantage. And I somehow always let them.

As I’ve grown I’ve been better about learning who is genuine and who isn’t. Sometimes it’s still hard to tell. Some people wear their masks so well that I don’t realize until it’s too late. Broken, bruised, bleeding sometimes. How many times am I going to have to put myself back together?

Maybe it’s what I’ve always thought. That I was put here only to help other people grow, but never find my own happiness. That I will be temporary in so many people’s lives, but I won’t be the one that finds a happy ending. Maybe it’s for the best. Maybe I have too much love to only give to one person.

I have the people in my life that I love. I understand the decisions I make and why I make them. Does it make them right? Maybe not. Will I change my perspective and viewpoint? Maybe later in my life. Who knows if it’ll be too late.

My friend also told me that you can’t stop loving someone if you see them all the time or if you choose to allow them to keep hurting you. It’s hard to see straight when you’re infatuated. When you’ve gone through things with someone. When you have an unfathomable bond. It hurts to think about life without them.

My favorite type of relationship is when you start off as friends and grow, but those are also the worst to end because you lose two people at once. I’ve done it before so I know that I could do it again, but it isn’t something that I’d like to repeat over and over. I know losing certain people in my life would crush my soul for a while and so I choose to hold on.

Our greatest joy and our greatest pain come in our relationships with others – Stephen R. Covey

I didn’t know how hurt I am until someone was kind to me – c.c.aurel

You didn’t break me. I broke me. Because I believed in something that wasn’t real.

5 thoughts on “I deserve more.

  1. I kind of experienced this too. Everyone we meet tells me that I am very lucky, I’m very talented, but I don’t see that on myself. I feel like I’m trapped in my mind, I can’t free myself.

    1. Definitely not saying it doesn’t, just haven’t found the things that enhance those feelings wholly yet.

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