Often around this time of the month I find myself in a dark hole. I feel lethargic, I don’t want to do anything except lay in bed with endless ice cream and chocolate, watch sad movies and cry myself to sleep. Recently, I have been on a health kick. My person sending me meal/workout plans. Although it has only been half a week, I can tell that my body is getting better. Despite feeling bloated and gross most of the time, I know that things are changing.

Much like my physical changes, I can feel my mindset changing little by little. It’s still a process. Many days feel like a step back. Some days feel like I’ve gone through multiple phases at once. Some days start off awful and end alright and vice versa. I don’t think there has been one day where I’ve felt completely alright.

I’m so lucky to be where I am. I have to remind myself that every day. It’s only been a week and a half since I got back to Utah, but it feels like a lifetime. I was so happy to have you that close. The darkness creeps in just when I think I’m doing alright. Most of the time I feel like I’m stuck in endless nothingness. Hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

It’s weird. I just watched the most recent episode of WandaVision *spoilers* she lost so much. There was so much that happened to her throughout her life. She could have just given up. She could have destroyed everything and everyone else around her. But she tried to protect herself and hold on to just a shred of happiness. She hid from her reality. Sometimes I feel like I’m doing the same.

She said, “it just feel like there are waves crashing over and over” like she would drown in the sorrow. To which Vision responded, “what is grief, if not love persevering”. It got me to wonder about my own life. Of all the mistakes and people I’ve lost. All of the people I’ve poured love into that are no longer in my life. I know I’ve affected people on a deep level. Sometimes they come back into my life. Sometimes they ask to come back.

There are so many people who I’ve taught myself to hate in order to move on from them. To accept that maybe I’m unlovable. That I’m available to heal others. To walk them through their own darkness to find their light and move on. I always keep my doors closed. Keeping my darkness in so as not to bring it on others.

I came across a TikTok today that spoke to me from @kieravanderklok, maybe it speaks to you too:

I’m afraid that I’m not meant to be loved. Not that I am undeserving or incapable. Just that my purpose is to hug the devil out of those around me and get nothing in return. But what happens when I fall apart? Who squeezes the devil out of me when I’m not strong enough. When my arms shrink and I can’t reach? Maybe I am ok with it. But the ones who give out all their love usually are the ones who need it the most.

Maybe when I am feeling low I’ll make a video to this sound. Sometimes the sadness washes through me and takes residence. Holding on for dear life. I don’t know how to shake it. It’s like a part of me now. I don’t know how to let anyone else in. I don’t know how to let go of people who I probably should. More for their sake than my own. I can’t protect myself from this darkness, how can I expect anyone to sit in it with me.

It’s funny. My selfishness begs to hold on to you. You are the one piece of happiness I can name in my life. I know I could let you go if I really tried. If I really forced myself. The thought hurts to have. Tears are already forming. It’s not fair to you for me to hang on. It’s not fair to your life. I’ve torn myself apart wondering if I’m doing the right thing.

Do I let go of the one sliver of light I have? Do I plunge myself into the darkness and let you go? Will it help me? Will it ruin me? I know I shouldn’t let my happiness rely on you. It isn’t fair to you, but I don’t know what else to do. I know you say you don’t mind. That you can handle it. But what happens when you can’t anymore? What happens when you walk away.

I’ve had so many dreams in my life of people walking away. I can sense the unease in someone. I can feel when they start to pull away. Generally, it’s because I’m holding on too tight. I become too much of a burden for them to bear. I just watch as they pull away. I lose my grip and let go. Falling back into nothing.

Life doesn’t have safety nets. I expect people to leave. I always wait for the worst. I don’t hold my breath for anything. I barely allow myself to get excited for anything for fear of the Universe sensing it and crushing it. Is this any way to live?

I think about one of my favorite books Looking for Alaska, one of the quotes is, “what you must understand about me is that I’m a deeply unhappy person.” I try so hard to lighten other people’s lives. I try to give off as much positivity outwardly than I feel inward. Can you shine enough to hide the darkest parts of yourself? Can you see through the act? Can you see the pain? I hope not…

Someone once told me I had sad eyes. Dark pools. Almost black. When I was in high school and dating my ex-husband, I would always try to convey things through my eyes. Through looks. Thinking that if we looked into each other’s eyes enough he would be able to read my mind. He would always be annoyed when I looked at him for too long saying that he hated when I’d look at him that way because he couldn’t understand what I was trying to do.

Maybe the pain can only be seen that way. I’ve been told by friends that they can tell when I’m about to do something crazy because my eyes light up and I get a mischievous glare. As much as I try to hide parts of myself I’ve been told I have tells. The look in my eyes, the tone of my voice. Not much I can do to change these things as they are a part of me, but only people who truly know me have seen these and picked them out.

I know I have a long way to go. I’m sure there is more for me. I just haven’t seen it yet. I wonder if the darkness inside will keep me from seeing it. Maybe I’ll keep helping other’s realize they’re doing better than they think. Maybe I’ll keep walking people through their darkness to find their light. Either way, I’ll be here.

I hope I can help you all to see that maybe you aren’t alone in what you’re feeling. That all our journey’s are different and in different stages. That it’s ok to take a few steps back sometimes. Just make sure you keep going. I have to believe that it gets better. Or else I’ve wasted the time and energy I’ve given to this life thus far. One day we’ll come out on the other side. Even if it’s still dark there.

“She was a genius of sadness, immersing herself in it, separating its numerous strands, appreciating its subtle nuances. She was a prism through which sadness could be divided into its infinite spectrum.”
-Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated