Get off your ass…

I hate the cover photo. It tells me everything I already know, but push back against.
I know that I do this to myself, but I don’t want to face it.
How can I?
How do you accept that you’ve allowed yourself to be walked on, told you were nothing, think and believe those lies were your reality.

I practically raised myself and my siblings.
Everyone I ever dated.
Held their hand while they figured out I wasn’t what they wanted.
Believed that when it ended, it was me and I’d never be worthy.

I know that I heal people.
I have an energy that calms, brings peace, sheds light.
People learn things about themselves with me.
They better their own lives and leave mine in pieces.
They might not all mean to, but it happens just the same.

Any time I try and retain a shred of dignity it’s taken away from me again.
Someone tells me I can do better.
I shouldn’t appreciate my body or show it off.
I should watch what I eat, “are you sure?”
I should be happy with my situation, “it could always be worse.”

Why am I not allowed to have feelings?
Is it only other people around me that are allowed to feel things?
Am I not worth understanding?
Am I not worth someone loving me for me?
Am I too damaged?

Why do I have to live with these questions constantly burning holes into my soul?
Why did people come into my life to ruin me without any remorse?
How can human beings shatter each other in this way?
Why does the Universe think I need these constant life lessons?
What kind of Karma did I bring on myself?

It hurts. Always.
My head, my heart, my soul.
The pain keeps me going.
But sometimes I just want to sleep and not wake up.
It isn’t in our nature to want to die.
When thrown into the ocean we will fight til we can’t anymore.
But there are days where I’m so exhausted.
How much longer will I have to keep doing this?

I try and I try and I try.
So fucking hard.
I kill myself in everything I do.
Work, relationships, friendships.
For what? What has it ever gotten me, but hurt?
No one ever stays.

I can only cry so much.
Hydrating to keep the tears coming.
Taking my anger out in the gym or my writing.
Over excelling in other areas.
I am fucking better than all of this.

I don’t know when I’ll be more positive.
I don’t know when I’ll crawl out of the darkness for even a few minutes.
I don’t know if diet and exercise will do anything.
I don’t know when I will look in the mirror and actually like who I see.
I don’t know when I’ll push everyone and everything away for good.
I don’t know how much longer I can keep fucking up before I just stop.

It’s funny.
My mom called the other day and she told me:
“You almost sound like your old self again”
That girl is dead.
But maybe a new one is forming.
Maybe she’ll be better than me.

For now I float in the endless void of my mind.
Hoping that one day I’ll wake up and it’ll be different.
Knowing unless somehow I can change inside it won’t.
So here we go.
A merry-go-round nightmare.
I wish people would just let me go.
At least I’d just get it over with.
I’d be bad for a while, but would it be worse than I am now?
No one deserves to deal with this.
How can I expect anyone to love me when I don’t even love myself…?

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