There have been so many amazing influences in my life. Although we didn’t see eye to eye for the longest time I know my mom is one of my biggest supporters and loves me with everything. The woman who gave birth to me wanted me to have the best chance at life and so I am grateful to her too. So many strong and amazing women have made me into who I am today, but I feel like I’ve let them down.
There have been so many men in my life who have done everything they could to tear me down. To bring me to the lowest points of my life. To drag me through the mud and make me feel worthless. How did I allow that? When I was raised to be strong, independent, dominant. What happened along the way?
Everyone has their struggles. Internal demons and problems they don’t share with the world. I hid mine for a long time. Tried not to be open with people. Only relying on myself when I didn’t even want to be in my own company. How does that work? Not very well, I’ll say that.
I tried to surround myself with strong individuals. People who I thought had my back, but who turned out were just talking about me behind my back. Throwing my name in the dirt. Gossiping about me with other people. Faking being my friend because they were intimidated by my potential. Upset that I was putting myself out there and working to get out of the shithole that was my hometown. Most of those people are still stuck there.
Why can’t I see my worth? What road blocks or mental walls has my subconscious put up to protect me? Do I need protecting? Am I that delicate? There are many days where I feel absolutely ruthless. Savage. Pushing down every obstacle. Not letting anyone tell me shit. But then the anxiety creeps in. What makes me think I can be that way? Why am I confident? No one gave me permission.
It’s a struggle. Every day I fight myself. My demons. The anxiety and depression. The overwhelming urge to just give up. To stop. To let go and not care about anything or anyone. But something inside won’t let me just lay down. Why? I’m so tired of this. I just want it to end.
What’s the point of working hard if it doesn’t get you anywhere? Work, personal life, physical fitness. Constantly disappointing myself and others. Sarcasm is a fountain I drink out of daily. Humor is a coping mechanism. If I can make jokes about myself and my mental health maybe it won’t hurt as much. How can I talk to anyone about these things. What would be the point?
I feel like I am just dragging everyone down around me. All the time. How can anyone stand to talk to me on a daily basis? Whose company could I possibly keep when I can’t even keep my own? Miserable. Annoying. Depressing. I’ve been described this way before. I’ve been left without explanation knowing it was my personality that caused it.
I’m just too much for people. I’m just not everyone’s cup of tea, or anyone’s. I have to get used to being rejected. I can’t expect people to like me. I’m not responsible for other’s people’s feelings or actions. I can’t blame myself. I can’t keep going on like this.
This was supposed to be an homage to everyone who has been a light in my life and yet somehow I still managed to bring the mood down. I am so thankful to everyone who has come into my life to teach me things. To the women who continue to build me up when I’m down. Who understand my mental health isn’t great. Who wait silently for me to come out of my darkness and are waiting with open arms. I don’t know what I would do without them.
Thank you to the strong women who are continuing to kick ass in the military and everywhere else in life. To all my friends who are fighting the good fight. Who stand up for what they believe in. Who are confident and unapologetic. I hope one day I can make you proud. I hope you can see how hard I’m trying to be where you are. I hope one day I’ll be on your level. Until then, one day at a time, I’ll keep working.
To the men who snuffed out my light. I’ll be back some day. You’ll wish you’d been nicer to me. You’ll wish you hadn’t fucked me over. Or maybe you won’t care at all. Either way you’ll see how great I’m doing and you’ll know that everything you did and said meant nothing. I’ll come out on top one day. Even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. So, thanks to you too. For proving that weak men will always be just that; weak.
And to everyone who has supported my journey of coming out of my shell and making my life, thoughts, and feelings public. I appreciate you all. It isn’t always easy to say how you feel, but you all make it a little easier every time I come on here. So, thank you and I hope this has helped some of you. Xoxo.