For some reason I like to see how red the flag can get. I like to ignore the truth when it was staring me in the face from the start. I like to hurt myself more than the person I let in and then blame them for the pain I caused on my own. I think I can finally accept the process. I’m not the priority for you, but I can be for myself.
Every person who has come in and out of my life has changed me in different ways. Some for the better, other’s I couldn’t say. I don’t want to place blame on certain individuals for be being who I am today, but they certainly didn’t help in the positivity department.
I’ve been with a lot of people in a short time span. Learned a lot about myself and that I’m not like anybody else. When I love it’s with my entire soul. I care more about other people than I do about myself. Sometimes to my detriment.
I have to realize that I love people differently and it isn’t something that anyone is willing or able to reciprocate. It’s been difficult. He’s been telling me. The hard love. The push. Reminding me of what I already knew to be true, but didn’t want to accept. It’s starting to stick now.
The anger. The resentment. I want to hate you. But you’ve made me into one of the best versions of myself. “He’s a smooth operator, been doing it since before you and you won’t be the last.” I know she’s right.
She’s almost ready now. I’ve been pushing myself harder than ever. Mentally and physically. Emotionally I am still broken. I doubt that will ever function the same again.
How can I possibly let anyone in again? It’s too much. Too hard. You’re still the one and probably only person who I’d let in. The one person I’d run back to if that were an option. Even though I know it never will be.
It hurts to think about.
Every day I wake up a little. I see what you’ve been trying to tell me. I don’t want to admit it. I don’t want you to be right. But I’m still a shell of who I used to be. I wake up, I eat, I work, I go to the gym, I come home, shower, sleep. An endless cycle.
No one’s gonna be able to fix me. No one’s gonna be able to handle what I have to offer. That’s something else I’m also starting to accept. I know I’m a healer. I have more to offer than can be returned. I don’t ever expect anything, but I’m tried of draining myself for nothing.
I know I’m probably going to lose certain people out of my life after this. I’ve already been losing, but I was just pretending like it was normal. It’s funny because you always said I’d be the first to walk away, but you were wrong for once, even if you didn’t mean to be.
Connected to everything and attached to nothing. Everything has its time. I begged so many people to love me throughout my life. Old boyfriends, my ex-husband, people who I thought were my friends. It never ended the way I hoped it would and so here I am now. Broken and patching myself up.
Maybe I’ll finally give myself enough time to fully heal. If not fully, then at least enough to stand on my own without too much trouble. One day I’ll be better. It won’t be today or tomorrow or probably anytime in the next year, but one day.
Sometimes we win and sometimes we learn. You just wake up every day and try your best. Maybe I’ll finally stop looking to the future or past and focus on the present. I think I deserve to enjoy every day as much as possible. My anxiety doesn’t always allow that, but I can try.
It’s pitiful, I can’t believe
How every day gets worse for me
I take a break, I cut you off
To keep myself from lookin’ soft
I fill my nights with the way you was
And still wake up with broken dreams
I make these lies inside my head
Feel like they’re my reality
Now I’m not holding on, not holding on
I’m just depressed that you’re gone
–Beautiful Mistakes, Maroon 5