More often than not I wake up and wonder, “why?”. Why do I have to do this again? Why do I have to live in this ground hog day? What’s the point of getting up if you’re just miserable doing it? What difference does it make if I’m here or not? I’m constantly disappointed in myself and everyone around me is doing just fine without me.
I don’t have any intention of hurting myself. I’ve never had any thoughts that I would ever end things myself. I think there’s a bit too much self preservation for that. But there are definitely days that I wake up and I wish I hadn’t. There are days that I don’t understand what I am possibly contributing to society that the Universe thinks it is worth putting energy into me.
I am alone. Maybe not in the real literal sense, but I live alone, I don’t have an immediate support system available. The only people I want to talk to aren’t always available or are busy with their own lives. When I don’t talk to them I feel lost. More alone. The depression and anxiety sinks in. I spoke with a therapist last week and she was concerned about my being alone in that moment. She felt that I needed to talk to someone and so I got off work, packed an overnight bag, and drove to California.
Being near water has always calmed me. I sat next to the ocean in the sun and let the sea spray calm my nerves. It was everything I could’ve asked for in that moment. For just a few hours I felt whole. I felt like maybe my life wasn’t a complete shit show, I was doing pretty well given the circumstances, I took some pictures in my hotel room, ate room service, and tried to enjoy the little things.
I wish it were that easy. To just run away whenever I felt the darkness creeping in. It’s not always possible, but I have made an effort to take care of my mental health as much as I can these past few months. Of course there are certain individuals who make things better, but again, they aren’t always available.
I’ve resigned myself in the fact that I’m not anyone’s priority. I’ve had multiple conversations with close friends about my situation. I put all my eggs in one basket and no matter how many times I’ve told myself I don’t need that person and I’m doing alright, the sadness is worse when I go long periods without hearing from them. I feel empty. I try to distract myself, but it’s hard to just sleep or fuck your problems away when those are the only options and one of them is sparse.
I’ve been alone for a long time. It’s really only been me in the end. I knew that was going to be end game and I didn’t properly prepare for it. I allowed myself to have a shred of hope that I should’ve quashed. I knew better and I was stupid for thinking otherwise. I’ve focused so much on the past and things I could’ve changed, but what’s the point of it? Clearly I haven’t learned much.
No matter how many times I tell myself that I deserve to be loved and be happy, I don’t feel it internally. Maybe I catastrophize too much, but that’s exactly how I feel. I see so many happy couples and wonder what the secret is. Do I self sabotage? Have I been through too much trauma to be worth loving at this point? I can’t have a normal family with someone. I’m too selfish to want children. Plus with the way the world is I wouldn’t want that for them.
I’ve had to let go so much I just don’t have it in me to do it again anytime soon. The urge to run from my problems is stronger than anything else in my life. To bury my problems and get under someone to get over the constant stream of negative thoughts. To allow people to use me in order to feel anything. Being physical has always been easier than being emotional. Don’t need feelings for a one night stand.
It’s funny when I think I might be doing alright something happens to throw everything off the table. Brushing off the pain and hardening my heart and head to protect myself. It’s just not worth it to show any softness. It just gets taken advantage of. I’m cold to a lot of people these days. Can’t trust anything anyone says.
Petty conversations with people get so tedious. I don’t have the patience to tell multiple people how my day was. Listen to them tell me “you’re so beautiful” “could you send me some pictures?” “I’d really like to get to know you better.” Lies and bait. I’ve been through too much to listen to or believe any of it.
For now I just keep running. From people, to places, anything to feel even a smidge of serotonin running through me. Nothing feels genuine now a days. I’ve been pushing people away. It’s too hard to say goodbye all the time. Anger and anxiety are the primary emotions these days. Doesn’t seem like there’s even a pinprick of light at the end of this tunnel. It’s just dark.
It’s better this way. Just let me be. Don’t reach out. Let me figure out how to do this alone. I have to. Because you and everyone else I know aren’t going to be there for me when I need it the most. I’ve learned that before and I need a hard wake up call. I have to be alone because that is how I was meant to be. Can’t get hurt if there’s no one there to do it.
One day I won’t feel like this. I have to keep believing that. Because it physically hurts to wake up every day like this. Put on a brave face and pretend like I’m not falling apart inside. Starting the day or ending it in tears. Hugging my pillow and wishing I’d just sleep and not wake up.
I know that I need to
Get on without you
But how do I stop
Electricity in my veins
I feel the pressure
The need to get better
But when I am cured
I’ll still hold onto the pain
– Easy, Lillian Hepler