Just smile

It’s been a while. I have been trying to fill my time as much as possible by being with the people I love the most. Enjoying my life and not thinking about the crushing anxiety that is life. I haven’t really openly talked about my medical history, but I since coming home I have been playing catch up with things that happened to me in Korea.

The day before I flew home I was told that some things that were originally thought to be gone had come back. I was told “not to sit on it,” but the military doesn’t really give a fuck about you after you get out. With no insurance I was forced to wait and try to find a job as quickly as possible so that I could take care of this thing.

Turns out I’m gonna need more surgery this month and next which is not something I wanted or am looking forward to obviously. I have been trying to just not think about everything and try my best to be as happy as I can. Something that is easier said than done.

There isn’t a lot I have to talk about and I have been trying my best not to be on social media as much and live in the moment with my friends. I have been reaching out more and trying not to be such a recluse. It has been nice to break a little bit from my normal routine and breathe.

Although there are some things that have been harder than others I know that everything is going to work itself out in the end. I’ve been thinking more on what I want to do with my life that actually makes me happy. I think I’m finally starting to get it together.

I honestly haven’t had much reason to smile the past couple weeks. Every time I fill my happiness meter with friends and travel it empties within a few hours of being home. It just isn’t the same being on my own and as much as I try to enjoy the solitude I can’t.

I wish I could bottle feelings to feel later, but it just isn’t a thing. Memories all fade eventually as much as I try to hold on to them. Maybe one day it will be different.

I wish I had more for you all, but inspiration has been low. Maybe some thoughts or feelings will surface this week. Until then, thank you for being with me. My socials will probably be a bit more active than the blog.

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