Love you five ever

I wish I had met you years ago. Or maybe I don’t. I wish I had met you when I still had a chance to avoid all this heartbreak. Before I hated who I was and before you did what you did. Maybe we could’ve healed each other. Maybe we could’ve been happy together for real.

Is that wrong? I’ve learned everything and healed more than I thought was possible. Sometimes I revert back to the old ways, but for the most part I just want to find real happiness. I think my time is long past though.

When I think about the future these days, I’m all alone. Surrounded by men who don’t love me and who only want me for my body or money. Maybe some of them do care, but I don’t. I have the freedom and peace I craved for so long, but I am alone.

It’s funny when I think about all the people I’ve allowed into my life over the years. Who I’ve allowed to have access to my emotions. I was born in the wrong time is what a lot of people have told me. Always wearing a mask. Not allowing anyone all the way in. I almost let you all the way in. I’m very glad I didn’t.

I find it odd sometimes how I can dish out love advice to everyone, but can’t listen to it myself. I want so badly to just be able to have a normal love life, but I don’t think I will ever be able to allow anyone to have my whole heart. Not that it isn’t more than a few pieces by now.

The definition of a psychopath is someone who shows a lack of ability to love or establish meaningful personal relationships, expresses extreme egocentricity, and demonstrates a failure to learn from experience and other behaviors associated with the condition. I don’t think I’m a psychopath, but I definitely have some traits of the disorder.

Can’t seem to stay away from people who aren’t good for me. From people who don’t love me or can’t commit. From people who use me or trick me into loving them. I can’t allow myself to love broken people, but they are drawn to me like moths to a flame. Maybe one day I’ll catch fire and never stop burning. Maybe one day I’ll give up.

I always dream about the day I run into someone who changes my whole perspective on love. I have met a lot of these people, but no of them have ever stuck around. Sometimes I start to let them in only for them to change their mind or run away. It’s too dark inside. No one wants to deal with it.

Does it hurt? Every day. But I have learned that I only have myself and always will. No one is obligated to stay in my life. Temporary bliss. Much like the way dating is these days. Once people get comfortable they think they can do anything. The ones who have the most to lose always take the biggest risks.

I don’t have anything to lose anymore. I am tired. I am sad. I am focusing on myself. I feel good about the changes. Everything is slowly working up. One day I will be everything I ever wanted and more and no one will be able to offer me what I can offer myself.

Maybe one day I’ll be able to face myself and the things I don’t even let my closest friends see. Maybe one day the darkness won’t feel so overwhelming. Maybe one day I’ll wake up and it won’t hurt anymore. Maybe that day is closer than I think.

Maybe one day they’ll realize that I was the best thing that ever happened to them, but then it will be too late.

But for who.

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