Leave before you love me

I think I have the unfortunate habit of self sabotaging any and all personal relationships where I start feeling any sort of attachment or softness. After being treated so badly and always left like I was nothing, it is hard to let my guard down. I am scared to let anyone in. When I think there is something there is usually nothing and it is better for me to play hard to get or just be cold.

Not really sure when it happened. Kind of came out of no where and hit me. I didn’t have time to react or think about it. One second I was cold and indifferent and the next I was on fire. Why is this different? Why does he make me feel like this?

I have held back a bit. Seems like maybe it can just be lust more than anything. Started out small and then we were going out in public together. I wasn’t ready.

I really want to open up. I want to be vulnerable and let go. I’m so tired of constantly running away from things that could be so good. I am tired of being terrified of any sort of intimacy. Sex doesn’t even really count for me anymore. It is a hobby, a distraction from the fact that I don’t want to feel anything from anyone besides my own pleasure from it.

Even when I start to fall he’s always in the back of my mind. My flame, the one I would run to, the only person who truly brings me to my knees. But what am I supposed to do? Wait for something that will most likely never happen? Always begging for any piece of affection I can get? It breaks me a little the longer I go without hearing from him.

So what is this? Something with real potential or a distraction from the constant nothingness of what being alone brings? I had a discussion with my friend the other day and we talked about how there is constant familial pressure to settle down and really start a family. Which hurts since that is something I don’t think I will ever have.

The maternal instincts I used to have, have faded significantly after raising my own siblings and a few boys along the way. I am tired of always being the one to take care of others, when is someone going to take care of me?

I can be so soft when I really want to be. I am someone who will climb up on a moon and go above and beyond to make you happy. I just want someone who will actually appreciate that. I also want someone who is going to show me the same softness and be there for me.

Maybe one day it will feel right. Maybe one day I won’t be so afraid to try again.

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