Why am I like this?

It’s funny isn’t it? Just when you think you are finally where you want to be something happens to throw you off the boat again. This always happens with me in relationships. Something seems consistent and good one second and the next I am losing it over everything and nothing. My anxiety has been worse with the sun setting so early. I just want to cry and scream and throw things. Is this how it’s going to be forever?

How can someone make you feel so wanted one second and then like nothing the next? I am so upset. But then I wonder if it’s me? Am I pushing them away with my insecurity? My anxiety? Do people just not know how to handle me? Am I asking for too little or too much? What do I have to do to keep someone around?

I am sure I am overreacting. Letting my mind get the better of me. But what if it isn’t? What if everything I am imagining is right? What do I do then? What if the person I have been falling for this whole time is just stringing me along? Guess we are gonna start from square one again.

At the same time, what if I am just letting my fears get the best of me? It’s funny cus there are so many people I can talk to about these things and the one person I want to talk to decided to disappear off the face of the planet *eye roll* how convenient.

I should have seen this coming. I should have been prepared. I should have known better. All the things. I’m just tired of the inconsistency. The exhaustion. The being led on all the time just to be let down. Do I want to stop looking? Every day. Like the day I stop looking is the day something happens.

It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. There are so many things that don’t make sense. But I don’t get it. You won’t let me in either. Why is that? Did I jump in too fast? AM I OVERREACTING? Why is it that when we are together everything is SO SO good, but when we aren’t I am wondering if we are even together. What’s that about?

Unfortunately, I can only speculate. I have no idea what to think. One day we talk, one day we don’t. Here I am waiting, but why am I? I need to be doing my own things. It’s just too bad I barely have the energy to go to the gym anymore. But we are going to push through just like always.

Maybe if I just never have expectations again I’ll be better off. No reason to be disappointed if there’s nothing to be disappointed over. I am sad and angry and hurt. Probably for nothing. And when you text me again, I’ll ask how high just like I always do. Was that for the best?

I feel like I repeat the same cycles and I don’t know how to break them. It is the most annoying thing in the world. When will I learn? I know it’s me, but what am I NOT doing to fix it? Was I ever really better? Maybe there’s more I need to fix than originally thought. One day I’m a bad bitch, the next day I’m a sad bitch. When does that end?

Maybe I need to get away. I think I need to plan a trip. Traveling always makes me feel better. Let me think about that. Remember that I am exactly where I wanted to be and everything will work out. It’s just not ok right now, and that’s alright too.

Until we see brighter days. Keep doing what you love. Don’t let the darkness in all the way. You got this.

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