Closer, closer, closer…

The past few months have been the BEST and WORST I’ve experienced in a long time. It has been mentally and emotionally and physically trying. I have broken down more times than I care to admit. I’ve cried and screamed and been numb. I’ve tried to understand the “why” for everything. I didn’t understand why there could be so much good yet so much hurt. That’s the way of life I suppose.

Just like the ocean, pulling in and out. Trusting the moon to do its job. Wondering, but knowing everything is going to work out the way it’s supposed to. Hoping and praying to the universe that it will hurt a little less than before. I never understood why there were certain lessons that had to crush your heart and soul. To mold and change you into something better. Something stronger.

There are so many questions I have. There are things I will never know. It makes me sad to think about it sometimes. It has been a wild ride unlearning the things that have haunted my life for so long. There is still a lot I haven’t let go of. Things that have been dredged up. Definitely need help to get past them.

I know I have come so far and grown so much, but at the same time, I feel stuck. I feel like I am constantly criticized for things and that “I can do better”. They say that once you get stagnant and comfortable that’s when your life is over, but I’m also tired. When does the constant feeling of not being enough go away?

The closer winter gets the more lethargic and anxious I become. I feel like there’s some proverbial shoe about to drop. I am trying to hold myself together and not feel this way, but it’s almost like I can’t help it. I shut down and have been pushing people away. I don’t want help, but I feel like I’m drowning. I feel lost.

Some days I feel like everything is right where it’s supposed to be. I am happy. I have someone who supports and cares about me mentally and physically. I have a steady job with awesome coworkers. So ‘why’ do I feel this way? There’s no reason for it.

I haven’t stopped grinding. I’ve been pushing and pushing and pushing for more. To get to this point. To feel a sense of happiness or accomplishment, but the farther I go, the more I feel empty. What is missing? I don’t understand. I’m so tired.

I am trying so hard to stay positive. I am working towards my best life. I know that there is a struggle before everything. I have seen the results of hard work and struggle. I have amazing mentors and friends who support me and believe in my goals as much as I do. I know that there is a reason for all of this. I know I bring value to this world. But can I do more? Am I supposed to do more?

Maybe there is something else I am being driven to. I am working towards the life people dream about. I want the freedom that comes with being financially stable and happy. I know I am close. One day at a time I am working, working, working towards it.

I haven’t had much energy or drive lately, but I know it’s coming. One day I will wake up and I will feel it. But until then I will trudge along. I will keep going because that’s what I do. It’s what we all do. But feel some purpose. Know it isn’t all for nothing. One day it will all come together.

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