I really wanted it to be you

How horrible is it to mourn someone who is still alive? I feel like this is one of the Karmic cycles I keep living. Wanting the person who doesn’t want me despite how they may have introduced themselves or treated me in the beginning.

How do you avoid the red flags when you can’t see them? What if they’re hiding and your intuition hasn’t caught on that this is going to end badly. What if you are trying to be optimistic and have a little bit of hope that this may be the time it finally works out?

I have the worst habit of taking things extremely personally even if they do not necessarily have anything to do with me. As you have heard me talk about Germany guy before, I recently found out that he got married ON my birthday last year. Not that he necessarily knew or remembered it was my birthday, but it hurt me nonetheless. Someone who at one point had love bombed me to submission and led me on with promises of marriage and a life together. So, as you can imagine seeing that wasn’t exactly something that made me ecstatic. Not that I wish anything negative on these people either, I just wonder how solid things actually are when social media is involved.

At the beginning of the year, I deleted all of my dating apps and accounts. I thought about going ghost on social media, but I am too open and I know that a lot of my content, although sometimes depressing, does help people and make people laugh. I have been told that I changed people’s lives and perspectives and that is something I want to continue doing. If there is even one person I can help by using my own tragedy as a comedic outlet then I will keep going.

I for the life of me cannot understand why I keep circling back to certain people I have been trying to let go of in my life. Like, are they also wanting me to stick around or wait up on them? Is that why I am having such a hard time letting go? It hurts, it’s painful, I just want to get over them and move on. For the longest time, my strategy has been to get under someone to get over someone, but I don’t think that is going to work out here. Everyone is so callous and rude. Finding even someone to just mess around with is next to impossible. I am EXHAUSTED always being the one to give the effort. Is no one else out there that is willing to go 50/50?

People are going to continue to cheat and lie because why throw out what you already have? I have seen a lot of content where men stay married or in committed relationships and just seek out what they aren’t getting within that and then moving on. It is annoying and frustrating. Honestly, at this point, I would be fine with an open relationship if we were both on the same page about everything. I would rather know what’s going on than have someone go behind my back because I have been there.

I am no saint. Not by a longshot, but I have accepted what I am doing in my life and if people want to judge me for that then that is their prerogative. I am not going to change who I am for someone else. I have done that so many times and I am tired. I am tired of always being left high and dry. I’d rather just get the brutal truth than this constant ghosting and being led on.

I have been a perpetually exhausted pidgeon these past few weeks and I am trying to break out of this toxic loop. I know I am better than this and I have been sticking to my guns about not dating and really sitting with myself. I think I have a lot more digging to do and more soul searching to do, but we are going to get there. I know that if I stay the course I will end up better for it.

I am more than what people say I am. I have been taught that my way of loving someone is the wrong way by people who didn’t really love or appreciate me. I know that I have so much to give and it isn’t fair that it wasn’t accepted by the people I wanted to give it to the most. It isn’t always my fault. Sometimes people just aren’t ready for us. Sometimes we have to take the lessons and move on. Sometimes we have to stop romanticizing that person and just accept that they aren’t the one. Sometimes we have to realize that the right person wouldn’t treat us this way. Everything happens for a reason. I will die on this hill. Enjoy the moment. I am still learning to do these things myself, but if you keep saying them over and over, eventually they will stick.

Stay strong. Thank you for being with me.

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