Ifs, Ands, Buts

After multiple failed attempts of locking down a serious relationship due to men being straight trash #sorrynotsorry I have decided to put out all expectations of what I look for from a man and maybe I can begin to understand if I’m being outrageous or my theory about men sucking is accurate. Voicing how I have felt is something I struggle with as far as out loud and not through writing and I am starting to understand that men can’t straight up read minds. I understand that I am going to have to reciprocate a bit on that front.

I think that I have come a long way from the girl in 2012 who was in an extremely abusive mental relationship. After about 5-6 years of being gas-lighted into thinking I was not good enough to have common decency and respect in a relationship, I am finally in a better place. I don’t think I am completely better off for everything that has happened to me, but I absolutely have learned some lessons that are going to carry with me into the rest of my adult life.

I have definitely said this before, but they say there are three real loves that you have in your life. Young love, the one that gets away, and the one who teaches you a lesson. The young love I had definitely had its ups and downs. It was a rollercoaster of 8 years. Not all of them were bad, don’t get me wrong. But the majority of them were pretty damn bad and I have been paying for them for the better part of my early 20s.

The one who got away. I don’t know if I would really say that he “got away” because really he was the one who lost. Yeah, I’m not the smartest cus I kept up with the relationship even though it was fucked 7 ways to Sunday, but I really loved the guy and I thought we were going to have something in the future. I think the hardest part about being in the military is that almost everyone you meet you are going to have something in common with; and no matter what, you are probly going to have a friend for life regardless of the outcome of your relationship. That being said, I stayed in a situation that would have killed any woman who has been in the position of infidelity, but I was selfish and I wasn’t thinking about the other person. That ended in very excruciating heartbreak that I am still, in some ways, recovering from.

Finally, there was the lesson. A very important one in fact. This boy came into my life when I thought I was pretty broken and I didn’t think that I was ever going to be able to open up to another person like that ever again in my life, or at least not as soon as I did. He shook me to my very core. Assured me daily that this wasn’t just some weird fluke, that he really did love me, that I was everything he wanted and more, that I wasn’t a burden or crazy for feeling the way I did after being let down so many times. He opened me all the way up and after multiple nights of tears, talking, reassuring, I finally let myself and my heart go all the way. This led me right to the cliff that I was eventually pushed off of. Sure he gave me closure, sure he thought he was doing the right thing by pushing me away and changing his mind. But it was a pretty shit excuse for everything that he re-put me through. That trauma doesn’t just go away overnight.

So now here we are. I personally want to apologize to any man to come after all this because frankly, they are going to have a really fucking horrible time trying to sift through the years of heartache and misery that I have been battling. The constant mood swings, insecurity, and grief. There was a time where I knew that everything wasn’t my fault, I still half believe that that’s true. It’s hard not to think you’re the issue when almost everything points to that conclusion. Also, I have decided that there are some things that have changed from 2012 that I should reiterate as far as dating criteria. A bit of a tangent from the above, but I am in a writing mood today.

Before I had stated that there were certain movies, music, etc. that I would not be able to be with someone period if they didn’t like it. Granted, that would definitely put a dent in the relationship, but everyone has to have their differences. Generally, I get along better with people who like the same movies, music, books, etc. that I do, but we’re all our own people and so, some deviations are to be expected. So, these things won’t be deal breakers for me anymore.

I have gone years of putting others before myself, it is why I chose to go the Officer route in the military and it is something that I will continue to choose for the rest of my life. That being said, I like being treated with respect and being spoiled once in a while too. I don’t mean I need to be showered with flowers or gifts all the time, but hey, once in a while just because goes a long way. On top of that, the little things go a long way with me too, ie. Doing the dishes, folding laundry, or taking out the trash. It isn’t rocket science.

Communication again is HUGE for me. It is something that will instantly kill any relationship with me if it is not something that can be reciprocated. Yes, I am not the best at voicing all of my concerns out loud and will more often than not choose to write out my feelings because it is just easier for me and I am more flowery with words. To caveat off of communication, actions also speak for me. Sure, words are great and I usually tend to fall in love with things people say to me ahead of how they actually treat me. This, of course, has gotten me into trouble more than once, but I digress. Match your actions to your words. Actually doing the things you say you’re going to do is sexier than anything you could spit out on a whim.

I need someone who can handle my shifting moods. Sometimes I want to be cuddled up and sometimes I want to be left the fuck alone. I want to keep my independence without feeling like the other person is trying to guilt me into feeling bad for wanting that, and most likely I’ll feel like you don’t really want me to be my own person regardless of if you actually do feel that way. I will need a lot of reassurance and even then I may not believe what you say because #trauma. Like I said, it’s going to be a LONG HAUL to get me to actually open up, and even then it’s probly not gonna be the whole picture.

I need someone who wants to travel and do things with me, especially eat. I love food and I love going to new places and eating new food. It is a staple and something I aspire for in the future. My dream job would be to just travel the world and experience new culture and food. That’s a huge deal to me. Someone who is spontaneous within reason is really fun too, I love planning little getaways and things of that nature, it would be nice to be with someone who was the same in that sense.

Finally, I need someone who doesn’t push me or try to change me. I’m not saying I can’t or won’t change or compromise, but if someone needs me to change who I am or questions me when I don’t want to do something that’s definitely a deal breaker. I have passions just like anyone else. There are things I’m not ready for or haven’t considered because I haven’t been with the right person. I am NOT down for being pressured or made to feel guilty about not doing something the other person wants. Obviously, there are things we can talk about, but I have been in relationships where people have tried to mold me or gaslight me into being a certain way for them and I will NEVER be in that situation again.

There you have it. I’ve written a novel. It’s been a while and I apologize for the attack like post this round. It has been a trying past couple months and I am still trying to wrap my head around certain things. Hopefully, the next post will be a little more optimistic depending on where I sit at that time. Until then, keep on keeping on, and as always thank you for reading. Xoxo

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