Epiphanies

It’s so funny. How every time you hit a roadblock in life whether it’s work or relationships you just sort of shut down? It feels like everything is crumbling. Personally I tend to lean towards anger and blaming others for things that I don’t want to take responsibility for. I’m working on it. But would’t it be nice if when bad things happened you didn’t have to look at them in an all negative way, but rather as opportunities for growth and life lessons to help you in the future? Everything that happens in a way is only going to benefit you if you know how to look at it.. I know this is sort of coming out all of a sudden and generally in my writing I am more somber/doom and gloom, but I am trying to change that.

Recently, after looking back at sessions with my therapist and conversations with my good friend from back home I decided to wake up one morning and fucking do something about how I felt. Yes, I am about to transition into one of the biggest life changes I have ever gone through. Yes, I am in a kind of relationship with someone who I really like, but have no idea where it’s going right now. Yes, I am comfortable in my own skin, but am I really HAPPY with myself, do I really LOVE myself the way I should? I still have a lot of insecurities especially when it comes to relationships and money, but why do I have to continue to have them?

I decided to go to the local Starbucks and finish reading You Are A Badass by Jen Sincero, a book I have been working on reading since LAST March. I just so happened to jump right back into a chapter related to allowing the Universe to do it’s job and understand that life is a process and you should be alright with going along with the ride. Don’t FORCE things, sometimes you have to sit back and let the Universe do it’s thing. You can manifest things you want if you believe in your ability and in your core that they can happen. It all comes from your own self love and understanding your worth as well. Your value.

After all of this happened, I decided to go to the PX and see about getting some new lipsticks since I’d be home for some holidays in a month and wanted some different colors. I decided to go with the flow and see if the Universe could possibly help me out in something as simple as getting new lipsticks. Lo and behold I found some that I wanted, but didn’t want to pay the higher price for and thought to myself, “eh, maybe it wasn’t meant to be.” As I was about to walk away I decided to check the other side of the isle and HOLY SHIT there was a whole container full of CLEARANCE lipsticks and I found THREE amazing colors for only $1 each and sure, maybe it was just a fucking wild coincidence, but at that moment I felt so much joy that it didn’t even matter.

It was so simple, so menial, something that didn’t REALLY matter, but that made so much sense to me in that instant. I manifested those feelings in myself. I felt confident and happy and fulfilled. I think that is something that someone wants to feel ALL the time. I found that I spend so much time focusing on relationships. I put a lot of my lifestyle confidence into my love life which, if you know who Matthew Hussey is (and if you don’t you should DEFINITELY check him out) explains why I never feel completely fulfilled or confident in myself because I place so much of my identity into who I am in a relationship with at the time when I should be confident in MY OWN SELF and my VALUE.

I watched a video of his recently where he explained that instead of having New Year Resolutions you should have Rituals. Specific things that you do EVERY DAY or at least try to do that add fulfillment to your life and your self that help you be successful. They can be related to health, love, work, family, etc. I decided that this is something that I’m going to do on top of trying to make some vision boards about where I want to be in the future and writing out and manifesting the kinds of things I want to see more of in my life, especially with the huge shift I’m about to experience.

Here are a few rituals that I want to try to focus on, and yes, some of them are extremely minor detailed, however it is more important to have specific things to focus on rather than open ended “goals” that can be pushed to the wayside or forgotten.

  • Wake up by 0900 every day
  • Drink my apple cider vinegar in the morning and take my daily medication on time
  • Go to the gym for AT LEAST an hour a day with 1-2 rest days a week
  • Journal/blog once a week
  • Read or watch videos for at least 30 mins a day on self help and making a better life for myself
  • Make time to talk to friends EVERY day

These are just a few. Again, they might seem silly to one person, but they are big for me. I want to make and build myself up to be better for me. Because when you feel good about yourself, you don’t need anyone else’s validation. You know your value and so when someone doesn’t want to accept it, you know that someone else will and even if that doesn’t happen you are confident enough in yourself to be alright with it.

Obviously, nothing happens overnight. This was a really big epiphany that pushed me into making my own life changes. Maybe it was a little push from the Universe that I needed to finally open my eyes and really evaluate how I want to go forward in my life. What I want out of it and how I am going to work to achieve that. 2020 started as an absolute SHIT SHOW, but I am ready to make changes towards looking at things more positively as well as building myself into the best version of myself I can be.

I hope that for anyone who reads my blog you can see that life is a crazy roller coaster, but it’s alright to reach out for help sometimes. It’s okay if you aren’t comfortable with yourself because I can guarantee you aren’t the only one who feels this way. It’s perfectly normal if you feel like you aren’t really moving forward in your life because it’s fucking HARD. But I also know that no matter how dark things get, it’s not the end. If you feel like it is, ask for help, look into yourself and ask how you got to where you are. You are stronger than you think. And yes, I have said all of these things to myself on MULTIPLE occasions and still do often. I am getting to a healthy place in my life. Fuck it only took me 26 YEARS guys. And that’s OKAY. I really need you all to know that. It doesn’t happen overnight and I still have a long fucking way to go, but I have the tools to start and I am working towards a better me every day. I hope you all can get to this point too, because the view only gets more and more amazing.

As always, I love you all and thank you for reading.

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