In the feels

Today was the day. The day I fucked around and hurt my own feelings. I brought it on myself, but it needed to be done. It hurt. Everything hurts these days, but this sent me. I cried for a while. Called some friends. Felt sad. Really sad, for the first time and acknowledged that I’m really not alright.

I’ve been running from my feelings for a long time. Telling myself I’ll go back to therapy, like real therapy. But I can barely stand to be in the same place for longer than a week. I can barely stand to look at myself in the mirror. I hate waking up on a daily basis. I’m hurt and angry all the time. I haven’t been happy for months and I’ve been forcing myself not to think about it.

I finally had a talk with my friend who told me it was alright to feel things. It’s alright to love, and be sad, and be angry. Feelings are what make us human and I’ve barely felt like a person for months. I try to make my own happiness and hold on to any scrap of serotonin I can get, but in the end it always goes away.

It took me this long, but I finally get it. I understand why I can’t be with the one person I want. It fucking hurt. I cried a lot. I thought about it. I agonized over it. And I got over it. Maybe not completely, but it finally clicked. I’ve ignored the warnings and the straight talk. They never told me anything but the truth and I just ignored it for a chance to be happy for a little while.

Maybe it’s me who doesn’t know what I want. I feel like I know. I’ve been through the ringer plus some. I grew up way too fucking fast. I didn’t get to have a real childhood. I didn’t get to know what it was like to just have things taken care of for me. I’ve worked my whole life and fought for things and all I’ve ever gotten is nothing to show for it.

They always say you never see your progress because one day you wake up and you’re where you wanted to be a few years ago. But all I feel like is a colossal failure. I don’t feel like I’ve progressed. It feels like I’ve taken so many steps back.

I feel like I’m in the middle of the ocean in a storm and my boat capsized and I’m barely hanging on. My head keeps going under and when I finally come up for air a wave crashes over me and I’m drowning again. My chest hurts all the time. I feel like I don’t have anyone to turn to or lean on.

My friend told me that I’ll always have my person. They’ll always be a part of my life. The number one person. But I can’t really be in theirs. I’m just waiting for a chance to talk, to see them, any little bit of attention I can get. It just makes me feel pathetic. I’m just not worth anyone’s time.

I want to hold out hope that one day I’ll finally sleep without constantly waking up in pain or crying. That I’ll be able to go to bed without crying myself to sleep. That I won’t feel worthless or like I’m only good to be used and that’s all. That someone will come along and show me that not everyone is the same, but I’m not holding my breath because I’ll just suffocate.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who’s ever told me that I’m not worth it. That I won’t find better or that I don’t deserve to be happy. I finally internalized it. It’s gonna take a lot to break out of this one and that’s how I know I’m just better off alone. Maybe that’s it. No one deserves to deal with my shit because all I’ll do is bring misery. A walking storm cloud.

Just say it’s not forever and maybe I’ll believe it. This can’t be it….

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